For future records, who am I now. I see myself as a "standard" adult on paper. I work daily, usually 10 or more hours. I am living in a city that is bustling and cultured, yet lacking the greenery or quietness I remember from my small town upbringing. I study part-time and am pursuing a masters for my own well being, maybe not necessarily out of passion. I am younger, single, and .... most of the time completely lost.
Welcome to the quarter life crisis. I have talked with others older than I, who, while wishing to be younger, do not want to relive these years. I can't say in any way that I want to skip them, move on, etc.. But I get it. And so do my friends. We are emotional nomads at this stage. We may appear settled but our dreams are changing, evolving, our emotions are quickly changing, our personalities depend on the day. We are both surrounded by all you could want and so empty. It is no easy (1st world) task to be young, alone, finally stepping out of your house and holding up your own life with your inexperienced hands while wondering when and how it got this way. Dreaming of simpler times. Oh, this is by no way simple, easy, or even enjoyable at times.
But then there are times where I feel alive. It's not always in the middle of a party, or after a late night adventure on a playground, or when exploring a place I've never been and may never be again. There are times I feel alive at the simplest moments. When I'm cooking in the morning, when I am siting with friends in silence just watching a movie in for the night, or even when I'm dreaming of where things could lead.
This is a tricky, tricky time. There are times I wonder if my past has led me to these hard times. If I had dealt with things sooner, would this be so unsettling? Or am I more average than I can imagine? There may be no avoiding this feeling when you are putting yourself out there. I imagine I could have stayed in my comfort zone at 18, with my high school sweetheart and settled, married, and.... then what? This feeling of vulnerability is inevatabily one that causes anxiety but also what leaves me feeling that rush of aliveness, that feeling of the unknown just showing up at mydoorstep and sometimes in a frightening way and sometimes in the most embracing way that I cannot imagine how I had lived without it or how I will have this feeling pass so quickly again, a fleeting memory of the best day of my life (over, and over).
I've decided to follow my dreams. To follow my heart. To follow myself.. and to believe along the way that while I face this struggle to conceal and to put myself out there, that I need to believe in myself in the face of loneliness, love, and the future. It is all in my hands.
And with that, here is all that I know:
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”—Robert Frost
And so it does.
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.”—Robert Frost
